Middle Child tried to put me into labor last night. It was one of those beautiful, warm, perfect North Carolina evenings. No humidity yet, pollen levels were low and the threat of thunder far away. Being three weeks away from the birth of #6 I decided a walk was in order. Not to induce labor, but rather to keep things/get things in tip-top shape to make labor easier.
Middle Child had other ideas. Middle Child and Eldest happily (via bribery) came along "just in case," with Middle Child given the possible role of mommy's babysitter and Eldest the possible role of running home for the minivan. And so we go strolling along. Not even getting past our property line before madness ensued. Between an uncooperative baby carriage, missile-shaped pinecones, skinned knees, rabid squirrels and wild children, well, we were a spectacle. Slow moving at that. Our neighbors around the corner greeted us with waves & grins:
"We heard you coming!" Lovely.
It turned out to be a good thing they did because they happily took Squareboy and Daughter off my hands so me and the big boys could take a brisker walk. Of course, both Eldest and Middle Child would disagree on the "brisk" part of brisker. I felt I was walking quite impressively. They alternated between hopping on one foot, practicing the "drunk" walk forward and the "drunk" walk backwards to show just how un-brisk I was. Middle Child is quite excited to try out the "drunk" glasses in driver's ed next fall. I was just excited to walk about in the beautiful evening with my big boys.
Have you seen the movie Idiocracy with Luke Wilson? Me neither, but I've seen bits & pieces. It is truly an idiotic movie. It's about a guy (Joe/Luke) who through Army-experiment-gone-bad winds up in the future. A future filled with stupid people where he is the smartest guy on the planet and the show "Ow! My Balls!" is the #1 show. Well...
We were nearing the end of our walk. My big boys were getting goofier as I got slower, I would've asked for a piggy-back ride but 1) where would I put my belly, and 2) they would've said "No.". It is at this time we meet the fence pictured in the really bad picture above. Eldest, never able to resist any kind of balance-beam challenge, or any kind of leap-frog challenge, hops up & walks the fence. Middle Child looks at it quizzically and worries that it will break if he tries to balance-beam it. I, being a most excellent mother, laugh and say "If it doesn't break when he (eldest) does it, it certainly won't break if you do it!"
Middle Child believes me, hops up, starts walking, I take aforementioned, above, really bad picture and... the fence breaks. Middle Child shoots straight down, one leg on each side of the fence and... "Ow! My Balls!"
Eldest immediately rolls to the ground laughing hysterically. While I too, I'm sorry but I did, immediately start laughing, I did manage to check and make sure Middle Child wasn't gravely injured. While he was writhing on the forest floor in pain, he was also laughing. Eldest couldn't stop laughing and yelling "Ow! My Balls!" He and Middle Child just love that movie, this was the best thing that happened to him in a looooong time.
I'm laughing so hard the tears are streaming down my face, I feel absolutely horrible about the laughing at the same time because Middle Child is honestly hurt, but I can't stop. In fact, I can't stop so much that Middle Child is up & walking home (next to Eldest who is still hicupping "Ow! My Balls!") before I can recover and take so much as a step.
Our neighbors around the corner were quite concerned by the time I finally rounded the corner, well after Middle Child and Eldest passed on their way home. They thought I'd gone into labor and my big boys had desserted me. Not that I didn't deserve dessertion. I giggelingly relayed poor Middle Child's mishap, furthering his humiliation because I am a really good mother that way, picked up Squareboy and Daughter (daughter with one wet foot from slipping into the lake) and continued on home. Not in labor, but with a very well exercised stomach.
